On Freedom & Liberation

I opened a letter this morning sent to me by my friend Daniel, who is incarcerated at Montana State Prison. In it, he asked if I would write him a poem about freedom. We’ve been pen pals for 5 or 6 years and one of the things we’ve been writing back and forth about lately is poetry. I send him poems I’ve written or someone else has written, and he sends me poems he’s written. 

It’s not often – and by “not often” I mean I can think of only one other time – I am directly asked to write about something in particular. I am intrigued by his ask and appreciate the prompt. 

What came up for me straight away was: Is freedom the same thing as liberation? As a practitioner in a Buddhist-based spiritual tradition, our teachings center around liberation. Simply put, liberation is the ultimate aim of our practice. If we practice in such a way that doesn’t give rise to liberation, whelp, I reckon something is amiss in our approach.   

My very first thought in response to my own question Is freedom the same thing as liberation? was yep! Same thing! But then I started wondering if maybe freedom & liberation are synonymous but only in the ultimate dimension (which is a Buddhisty way of saying: when zoomed out and looking/feeling through the lens of the whole cosmos and the entire realm of lifeforce energy). In the historical dimension, however (which is a Buddhisty way of saying: when zoomed in to our individual life, where the trash needs to be taken out and we need to earn money to live), perhaps freedom & liberation are two different things.

Here’s what I’m pondering: in the historical dimension, maybe freedom involves a certain physicality, whereas liberation pertains to the mind. So, some examples of freedom would be: quitting a job because it’s sucking your will to live; ending a romantic relationship that has been dragging & draining; making the final payment on your car or student loan or mortgage; moving to a new town/city/state/country because you needed a fresh start; regaining the use of your own two feet after months spent on crutches; having your energy restored after a long bout of illness; getting released from prison.

Freedom, in these cases, is the act of being physically removed from something binding or constrictive. If I were bound to a chair for an hour and then someone came along and untied me, I would experience freedom from being restricted to that chair. You get the point. 

Liberation, on the other hand, is an inside job. Liberation pertains to the content and quality of our mental activity and the lens through which we see the world. Liberation does not depend or rely on anything external. 

I am considering, then, that one can experience freedom without feeling liberated, and vice versa. I am also considering that in the ultimate dimension, these states are rather firm and steady, whereas in the historical dimension, they are fluid and ever-changing. 

In the historical dimension, freedom for one person is normalized for another. Daniel’s idea of freedom might mean to get out of prison, whereas mine might be to get out of debt. So freedom for one person is not necessarily freedom for another. Also: the felt experience of freedom tends to wear off and becomes normalized over time. Liberation, while in flux and influenced by externals, generally involves the same basic qualities of felt experience: open, unbound, connected, at ease.  

Or maybe freedom belongs to the historical dimension and liberation belongs to the ultimate dimension. Hmm.

On Retreat

And so it is that I find myself in reflection mode, as we near the end of our 90-day Rains Retreat here at Deer Park Monastery, in the Great Hidden Mountain. My husband Mike and I arrived in mid-October, me on crutches, still in high mending mode from ankle surgery at the end of August, and both of us fresh from having just sold our house of 18-years literally an hour before taking to the road to head here.

One week from today, our ceremony to close the 90-day retreat will take place, after which, a vast majority of the lay people on site will depart. Mike and I, however, will be staying on through March. Our current Rains Retreat has had the largest number of lay folks in attendance who are here for the full duration of the 90-days: around 25 of us here in Solidity Hamlet, with an additional 10-12 in Clarity Hamlet. A stark contrast from our last 90-day retreat here during last year’s covid closure, when we were 2 of a total of 6 lay people.

Years ago, I attended retreats with what I regard as a sort of trademark Westerner’s approach. A vigor of determination laced with “I’m so gonna figure everything out and transform all of my inner compost into flowers!” Now that youthful exuberance has eased itself into middle age, and I have the benefit of experiencing the fruits of 20-years of practicing in this mindfulness tradition, I am thoroughly enjoying a much more leisurely approach. I no longer go on retreat to figure something out or in an attempt to fix something I deem in disrepair. I don’t go on retreat to obtain grand insights or transcend the everyday world. Nor do I come here to escape: the world; my life; or our Montana winter. I go on retreat to rest, renew, recharge, reconnect – all of it in order to return. I come here to Deer Park in order to have the practice be my full time occupation. And to especially nourish the seed and quality of concentration.

Be Beautiful, Be Yourself

Thay* has a calligraphy (see above) – and thus a teaching – that states: Be beautiful. Be yourself. And it’s this dharmic thread I am feeling called at present to tug on and see what emerges. 

With how poetic Thay is, it’s easy for me to sometimes forget that every calligraphy and every teaching – no matter how short and simple – that Thay offers is a deep well of practice. If I’m not careful and attentive, I can sometimes get lost in the poetics of Thay’s teachings and how lovely they sound and feel, without working to find ways to put them into real practice. Be beautiful. Be yourself. is a good example of this for me. 

So lately I’ve been asking myself: What does it mean to be beautiful and be myself? What do I think Thay is guiding me to do on my practice path with this teaching? These are good self-inquiring questions to reflect on as practitioners. 

What comes up for me in relation to this teaching is that to be beautifully myself means to show up honestly, without pretense, and also in concert with my surroundings. Too often I think people can mistake showing up honestly as permission to just do and say whatever they feel like, without employing a filter or care about how our actions or words may impact others. To be our self in the context of Thay’s teaching doesn’t mean we just say whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t mean we let our anger or hurt or frustration or judgements run the show and spill out in whatever fashion we see fit. To be beautiful and be our self means to show up as we are but not at the expense of ignoring those around us.

Going Through the Motions

There is a way to sit on one’s cushion in meditation and not experience the fruits of the practice. (Fruits such as the Seven Factors of Awakening: mindfulness; investigation; energy; joy; ease; concentration; equanimity.)

There is a way of utilizing mindfulness in such a way where harm is generated.

There is a way to show up every week to sangha and not be beneficially affected by the power of community.

There is a way to read/listen/watch the teachings of the Dharma and understand it entirely incorrectly and to a great detriment.

There is a way to attend retreats and have it be a veritable hellscape.

We all know what it means to be tuned out/spaced out or on autopilot. We all know what it means when someone’s “light is on but no one is home.” To go through the motions of something without being present or connected to what it is we’re doing is a regular occurrence. Most of us have instances of it every day.

If we consider ourselves to be a mindfulness and/or meditation practitioner, how then do we avoid this common pitfall in our practice? How do we avoid getting caught up in the form of the practice and learn to embody the true spirit of the teachings?

Spoiler alert: I don’t have an answer for you. I think what’s important is that we as practitioners ask ourselves this question on the regular, to help keep our practice in check. Am I falling into the form of the practice at the expense of the spirit of the practice or am I utilizing the form of the practice in such a way that enables me to stay close in touch with the spirit of the practice?

This isn’t a one and done sort of deal. Just because we are connecting and applying the true spirit of the practice in our daily lives and interactions one day or week or month or year does not mean we can’t slip into being caught by the form of the practice the next day or week or month or year. To keep our practice alive and active, we must ask our self this question on a frequent basis and allow it to percolate to see what arises in response.

Leaping

I’ve been utilizing the above quote as a helpful motivator and encouragement lately. Leap and the net will appear. With so many big changes on the horizon and a big move out of our house of 18-years coming up, we are very much readying ourselves to take a large leap into the great unknown.

Every so often I am reminded of just how not mainstream and typical my husband and I are in our choice of lifestyle. A lot of the time I forget. But then, inevitably, something happens and I think: Oh yeah, right, we do things way differently than a lot of other people.

Our upcoming leap is a prime example. It would be pretty easy for folks to regard what we’re doing as a little crazy. We’re selling our house; moving everything we own into storage; hoping to spend the fall/winter at a Buddhist monastery; and planning to return to Montana in the spring to resume our search for bare land in which to build a lay practice community, which means we will essentially be homeless when our land search continues.

Nothing like a little shake up of the ole routine to put everything into perspective!

To say we are non-traditional might be a bit understated and, for the most part, we are on good terms with our choices and priorities in regards to our way of living. But there’s certainly still a fear-factor involved. Stepping outside of the norm; practicing to not be too concerned with what others think; untangling ourselves from the collectively upheld ideas of success and life trajectory, it all takes some real doing. It sure isn’t easy. But, then, what is when it comes down to it? Even going along with the mainstream culture is no cake-walk.

In any case, we’re gearing up for our next phase of life. A new chapter awaits and we are ready (ish) to see what comes next. This is us. Leaping.

P.S Interested in learning more about our aspirations for building a lay practice center in western Montana in the Plum Village mindfulness tradition? Please visit our website here: https://www.emptymountain.org/

Online Retreat

Pic taken of my laptop screen during this weekend’s OI online retreat; monastics at Blue Cliff Monastery in NY

This weekend, I’ve been participating in an online retreat based in our Plum Village mindfulness tradition, founded by Thich Nhat Hanh (commonly referred to as Thay by his students, which means ‘teacher’ in Vietnamese). A retreat for Order of Interbeing (OI) members, co-hosted by the three monasteries in our tradition located here in the U.S: Blue Cliff Monastery in New York; Magnolia Grove Monastery in Mississippi; and Deer Park Monastery in California.

We have one final program left to close out the retreat, which will take place here soon in a couple of hours.

Both things are true: I feel genuinely grateful for the opportunity I have to attend so many things taking place online AND online retreats are not my idea of a great time. I’ve gotten pretty comfortable with attending weekly zoom meetings with my home sangha Be Here Now. And honestly, I think I prefer attending such things as talks and panels and trainings online vs. in-person (I’ve been really enjoying all of the free webinars I’ve been able to attend in the past 12+ months). But when it comes to online retreats, I’ve tended to steer away from them. Though not entirely, as this was the 3rd online retreat I’ve signed up for since the spring of 2020.

When it comes to online retreats, I have an especially deep felt sense of gratitude for the fact that they exist for all those who might be otherwise unable to attend an in-person retreat, whether due to: illness; a comprised immune system; physical mobility challenges; limited financial means; access to travel (which takes money & other resources); introversion proclivities; or a range of many other mind/body challenges that might make attending an in-person retreat a matter of great difficulty.

Gratitude & Stress

Non-duality has been on my mind a lot lately. The art of balance & blending. Of holding more than one part of reality to be true at the same time as another perhaps seemingly paradoxical/contradictory part. For example, gratefulness and being stressed out are not mutually exclusive feeling states. I have been experiencing high volumes of both of these on board in my mind/body system lately a good deal of the time, simultaneously.

The teachings and wisdom centered around non-duality date back a long ways and from my very limited understanding originate largely from Asian cultures. Many people from many lands for many years have been passing down knowledge and wisdom around non-duality, and I am especially grateful for my root teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, from whom I first and foremost have been led and instructed by in regards to this thread of practice.

My sense is, for many of us, non-duality is a tricky wicket. For a long long time, I understood it only in theory. But as my practice grows and strengthens – and perhaps also as I get older – I feel as though I am now starting to actually get what it means on a real, felt experience level.

Thinking, speaking, and acting in a Yes AND sort of way verses an Either OR sort of way is no small task. I think it’s relatively easy to grasp on a cognitive level but applying it IRL takes some real practice. And currently, and for a little while now, I feel as though I have been getting a lot of practice.

My husband and I are in active land search mode right now. Since spring has sprung here in the mountains of Montana, we’ve been getting a lot of boots on the ground time in. Every week we are out driving dirt roads in all directions on our quest for finding a place to set up shop. “Shop” meaning: a place for us to live year-round and also start our long-held dream of creating a mindfulness practice center that is open for folks to visit, stay, retreat (& maybe live), and build community (for info about our aspiration, called Empty Mountain, click here to visit our newly created website).

The Wisdom of Nondiscrimination

The theme of the 90-day retreat I recently attended at Deer Park Monastery was: The Wisdom of Nondiscrimination. I really like this verbiage. For me, it’s a lovely dharmic re-framing of such topic threads as inclusivity & diversity, when it comes to my own personal growth work centered around matters concerning race, gender, and sexual orientation (RGSO).

After spending a fair amount of time better educating myself on what it means to be white, I was unexpectedly ushered to walk through another door: what it means to be a woman. And all the while, I’ve been actively engaging in learning more about human rights issues concerning my LGBTQIA+ friends. I’m not so sure these threads can be fully separated from one another. RGSO are very much interconnected.

As I have a great interest in continually developing my abilities to better understand, feel compassion for, and be not only more accepting but embracing of people of varying RGSO, I recently started asking myself: Now what? As in: What is my next move? What is my work now, moving forward?

Here are some small steps I’ve identified that I can do:

Reading books & poetry by BIPOC writers (and also more females)

I have been putting intentional and conscious effort into searching out and reading books and poetry by BIPOC writers, in an effort to infuse my worldview, thoughtscape, and influences I am choicefully on-boarding with the voices, experiences, perspectives, and insights of people in the BIPOC community.

Here are some books I’ve especially enjoyed reading in the past year, all of which are written by BIPOC writers:

• All About Love by bell hooks
• American Indian Stories by Zitkala-Sa
• The First Free Women: Poems of the Early Buddhist Nuns by Matty Weingast
• Words Under the Words by Naomi Shihab Nye
• America’s Racial Karma by Dr. Larry Ward
• My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem
• Radical Dharma: Talking Race, Love, and Liberation by Angel Kyodo Williams, Lama Rod Owens & Dr. Jasmine Syedullah

I have also been infusing more female writers into my world as well, as I found that I leaned more so in the direction of male writers. In looking deeply into my views about male/female gender roles, I discovered that I trusted male writers more; I gravitated to them more because I subconsciously gave them more street cred (a cultural messaging instilled in us all by default).

Clicking on news articles centered on RGSO stories/challenges/human rights concerns

We all gravitate towards reading & engaging with different kinds of news stories. Over the course of my self-propelled learning about what it means to be white and also what it means to be a woman, I realized how much I especially tended to avoid clicking on articles that centered around race or women’s rights.

To help combat this, I’ve been making a concerted effort to step outside of my typical go-to comfort zone when it comes to reading news stories. For example, there are a number of Indian reservations in my home state of Montana. Thus, I have been clicking on articles in my local news that focus on tribal matters, issues, and updates. I have been informing myself recently on a news story about a local woman, a young mother of native race named Jermain Charlo, and the currently active awareness campaign centered around her disappearance in 2018, as MMIW (missing & murdered indigenous women) is a realm I’ve been especially delving into.

The Five Powers

The way a day
starts without question (faith)

The way she goes on living
even all these mute wheelchair bound years
after her stroke (diligence)

The way these elder mountains
teach me how to root down & look up (mindfulness)

The way any one of his poems
fill me to the brim like
thanksgiving dinner (concentration)

The way my neighbor’s porch light
flicks on any time a car passes by (insight)

Signlessness

Small Hall alter in Solidity Hamlet at Deer Park Monastery

Recently, while on retreat at Deer Park Monastery for an extended stay, I took to admiring the plethora of orchids that abound there in the Ocean of Peace Meditation Hall, aka: the Big Hall.

Big Hall alter at Deer Park Monastery

Orchids just thrive in the Big Hall and they are simply amazing. Captured by their beauty, I visited the blooms and buds up close when I would arrive early on certain mornings before the start of our group session of sitting meditation. I would lean in to smell them and gently edge my fingers over their soft petals. They were a marvel to behold.

In addition to the Big Hall at Deer Park, each hamlet has their own Small Hall as well. There is one in the Brother’s Solidity Hamlet and one in the Sister’s Clarity Hamlet. As I was staying in Solidity with my husband Mike, on the days when we would have what is called Lazy Mornings, I would often sit on my own in our Small Hall. (Lazy Mornings mean there is no wake up bell at 5am and also no group session of meditation before breakfast.) One Lazy Morning, after sitting on my own in the Small Hall, I approached the alter, drawn in by both the large and lovely Buddha statue and the orchids that flank it. I had been admiring the blooms from afar for weeks but up until then had not visited with them up close.

After standing near to them for a while, embracing them with my smile, I slowly placed my fingertips on their petals. But something was different.