Instincts & Rituals

Now and then, I work part time as a nanny for a family with 3 young children. Yesterday, I spent some time with their 3-year-old girl Remy. On our way to the park just down the street, I spotted a dead beetle on the road as we were walking. I pointed it out to her and then moved it to a nearby patch of grass. She asked: “How come you moved it?” And I replied: “Out of respect for the dead. So it doesn’t get run over.”

A few minutes later and a little further down the street she said: “Let’s find an alive beetle and bring it to the dead beetle so it won’t be lonely.”

Did she just say “so it won’t be lonely?”

Amazing.

I told her we could for sure do that if we found another beetle. Then I commended her for having such a great idea.

We continued to the park and spent some time on the swings; followed a set of chalk arrows someone had scrolled on the pavement; then headed on back home to her house. When we were nearing the spot where the dead beetle laid in the grass, she said: “Can we take the dead beetle with us back to my house?”

I said sure and then inquired with her about what she wanted to do with it.

She said something I couldn’t quite piece together (as anyone with experience of three-year-olds knows: speech patterns tend to rapidly develop at this age, and often faster than the adults around them can keep up with) and then I suggested that maybe we bury it, which she was immediately on board with.

When we reached the dead beetle, I asked her if she wanted to carry it home. She said she wanted me to. So I picked it up and gently cupped it in my hand. Even though we were only a few houses away from hers, she checked in on the dead beetle twice, asking if I still had it. Each time, I stopped and lowered my hand so she could have a visual of it.

When we got to her house, she picked up a rock that caught her eye and said: “Let’s put this rock with the beetle so it won’t be lonely.”

Another round of amazement ensued for me.

She seemed to be coming up with these ideas all on her own accord, as a natural built in human response. It was incredibly sweet to witness and I was glad we were in no kind of rush or had any pressing time constraints. We had the ability and spaciousness to make time for this tending.

On Sangha Building

This morning I read a few pages from Thich Nhat Hanh’s (TNH) book Joyfully Together: The Art of Building A Harmonious Community and it spurred me into sharing some of my thoughts here, which center around the practice of sangha building.

As a bit of background, I am the founder of and program director for my local sangha Be Here Now (BHN), which is rooted in the Plum Village mindfulness tradition of TNH. In Buddhism, the word sangha means spiritual community.

I started BHN in the fall of 2002 and have been a heart-felt and passion-filled sangha builder ever since. Anything having to do with my home sangha BHN is a great joy for me. I richly enjoy gathering folks together, whether for weekly sangha meetings, leadership council meetings, potlucks, camp outs, open mic nights, or practice related talks, classes or events. Sangha building is more than organizing sits, social gatherings, activities and events though. In my view, it’s also about checking in; reaching out; showing up; connecting; expressing care; and committing to the necessary work of personal skill-building.

Checking in. Inquiring with sangha members/friends about how they are doing when we’ve either not seen them in a little while or when we know they have a big life moment approaching (ie. receiving important health based test results; graduating from college; going to a big job interview; having a baby; leaving for a big trip; undergoing surgery) is a great way to help support and strengthen our relationship bonds – and investing in relationships is really what sangha building is all about.

Reaching out. Okay. Now, this one is a two-way street. When we our self are struggling or in need of some support, we can practice reaching out to a trusted sangha friend. Maybe we have a specific ask for advice or input or maybe we would appreciate having a kind ear who is able to listen and hold space for us or maybe we would simply like to have someone to go on a walk with. Reaching out when we need support is a great act of intelligence and wisdom, NOT a sign of weakness. And if we know or think that another person in our sangha may be struggling, we can reach out to them and offer our support (providing we are in the mental/emotional place to do so).

Showing up. In order to build sangha, we have to be there. We have to show up and provide our physical presence. This may seem like sangha building 101 but you might be surprised by how often I’ve come across folks who have not put this together. So first things first: we have to show up to sangha, even when we may not super feel like it. Our presence matters and is no small thing. More advanced ways of showing up involve attending side sangha hosted gatherings, social and formal, outside of the weekly meetings (whether they are our cup of tea or not); attending events that other sangha friends are hosting or part of, such as art exhibits or music performances; and getting involved in helping to host/organize/lead sangha meetings & events.

All the Things

My first river foot dunking of spring, April 17th 2021

Amid all of the many topic threads I’ve been tugging on lately, having the chance to simply lay on warm sun-soaked rock next to a lovely little creek yesterday and watch the clouds pass slowly overhead was a much needed reminder about how being is just as necessary, if not even more so, than doing – for this girl anyway.

It seems I am continually needing to remind myself about this.

I’ve been attending weekly webinars centered on social justice issues; trying to better educate myself on matters concerning cultural appropriation; listening to a podcast series with new episodes each week that tell the story of a young and missing local Indigenous woman; reading articles that center on topics such as: women’s reproductive rights, the discrimination history of AAPI (American Asian and Pacific Islander) community members, and mental health support for those living with unhealed trauma, depression, suicide ideation, addiction, and/or eating disorders. Needless to say it’s a lot to take in. And. I deem it all to be so very important.

So, in order to continue engaging in the topics I place importance in and am called into, it’s crucial that I keep a close and active eye on what it takes for me to stay in balance. To nourish and uplift myself in at least equal proportion to the energy I am expending. Otherwise, I’ll get burnt out, overwhelmed, stressed out, and exasperated in trying to stay involved in all of the heavier things I want to be involved with.

As much as I might like to be someone who could just keep doing all the things without needing to replenish and rehydrate and refuel that is not at all a realistic view or expectation or goal to have. Not only that, it’s a recipe for disaster. Truly.

So in order to keep attending the webinars and reading the articles and listening to the heart-heavy podcasts to better educate myself, learn more, and develop my understanding of a wider circle of people, I need to do such things as slip off into the woods once in a while, put my sore feet in natural waters, watch the clouds pass by overhead, and do the necessary and important work of self-care.

Balance. Yes. It comes back down for the millionth time to balance.

On Being Sick

A poem-ish poem I penned this morning:

Is it the 12th?
I’m pretty sure it’s the 12th.
I know it’s Monday for sure.

Sickness has a way of shrinking
the size of the world.

Four long weeks I’ve been sick,
laid up mostly in bed
trying to find decent stuff to watch.

In my current round of decluttering,
I recently cancelled my Hulu subscription.
For many years now we’ve not had TV.
But don’t let that fool you.
There’s plenty to watch online for free.

Still, I have put a great deal of effort
into being extremely careful
what I watch.

In browsing free documentaries on YouTube,
I clicked on one and learned about
the largest of pools in the world.
Located in Chile, it spans the length
of 1 kilometer, with a narrow strip of sand
in between itself and the sea.

It’s filled with warmed up salt water
and takes 8-hours to clean every day.

I’ve long had a special affinity for swimming pools.
Something about the leisureness of the water,
the hand-crafted communal nature of its allure.

The fetching strangeness
of a piercing blue body of water
sitting right there in a backyard,

a testament to our relentless human drive
to be drawn and bound to water.

_______

It’s been hard but I’ve been trying to stay close to my daily sitting meditation practice even as I’ve been sick. I’m making adjustments in order to keep with my nourishing & grounding routine. I’m sitting for less time than I normally would; I’m sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, instead of sitting on my cushion on the floor. The quality of my sit is compromised greatly by how poorly I feel, yet I place importance on the continuation of my practice despite the obstacle of illness.

On Compassion

I am currently taking a 4-week long online class series hosted and led by Dr. Rick Hanson called: The Strong Heart Relationship Program. The first week of programming centered on the theme of Supporting Yourself. This past week – week #2 – had the theme of Compassionate Strength. And weeks 3 & 4 have the themes of: Being Your Best and Communicating Effectively.

I really like how simply and wonderfully Dr. Hanson summed up what compassion is this past week. Compassion, he said, is empathy plus benevolence. And the benefits of compassion, he added, is that it: increases our resiliency; joins us with others; promotes pro-social behaviors; reduces our own upset; and gives us better footing to take action.

To further flesh out the elements of compassion: Brene Brown, in her book Dare to Lead, describes empathy as follows: “Empathy is not connecting to an experience; empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.” And benevolence, in essence, is the desire to be good to people. It’s an energy infused with warmth, caring, and friendliness, with the added component of wanting others to experience wellness and contentment.

For me, compassion can fall in line with such things as mindfulness and love. These are all words that get so often used that their meaning can easily become empty of real heart, felt intention, and active follow through. There’s a good chance for all three of these to just be words on a page or words we say, verses actions we choicefully participate in.

In our live Q & A session this week, which is an additional part of this series, someone asked about how to extend compassion towards those presently causing harm. I found it interesting to encounter this question, as it’s been popping up in a variety of online sessions, talks and webinars I’ve been attending as of late. So it seems in certain circles, there exists a common thread of folks wondering about how to have compassion for individuals who are especially difficult to have compassion for.

The answer Dr. Hanson gave fit right in with one of my life mottoes: Start small to work big. He said that we need to work our way up to being able to extend compassion to those who have harmed us, or harmed others. We need to practice having compassion for ourselves; compassion for those we love; compassion for people who are neutral for us; compassion for people who are mildly irritating for us. And then, after we practice for a time in these areas, we can move onto people who have caused us (or others) harm.

I so appreciated his start small to work big approach to this question. And I am in total agreement. We cannot look to jump right into the deep and choppy waters of feeling & extending genuine compassion for someone who is incredibly difficult for us, without first doing the active and ongoing (and often time-consuming) work to develop a felt sense of compassion for ourselves and those we are currently in relationship with.