The Worst Thing to Say to Someone

Whenever I hear someone tell someone else, or make a general open call declaration to Let it go, or worse Just let it go, I cringe. Even if it would be a top notch idea to do so, it feels trite and dismissive to me in the context in which it commonly gets used. It is my firm belief that even when we have the very best of intentions (and we always do), instructing someone else to Just let it go is not only not helpful, but oftentimes actively causes harm. 

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely believe that the practice of letting go is a thing that makes good sense. I also believe that there’s room for us to utilize the words “let it go” when engaging in dialog with our own self. But I do not think it’s any sort of good idea to direct these words to anyone else (unless maybe you’re super close to them and there’s trust established and you can deliver these words with tender care and deep understanding). 

When I say there’s room for us to use these words with our own self, that means there’s a possibility that it’s not a good idea, too. If we bark this in command to ourselves, use it as a cover-up or bypass, or attempt to apply this directive in times when we’re not at the letting go stage yet, these words can be a dagger. 

Four Arenas of Practice (part 2 of 2)

To read the part 1 of this post, please see here

G R A T I T U D E

Offer words of thanks before eating. Try not to underestimate the value of small daily acts such as saying words of thanks – whether inwardly or outwardly – before eating a meal. If you decide to adopt this particular practice, I would suggest coming up with a meal verse to recite, verses winging it on the spot (unless you’re good at that sort of thing, which I am not). A verse that is short & simple, using whatever words resonate for you, and easy to commit to memory. The point isn’t to try and come up with the most profound thing to say here, it’s to engage with gratitude as an actionable practice. Tying it to an activity that we do every day helps to ensure that we have an ongoing opportunity to put gratitude into play.

Recite & reflect on the Five Remembrances. 

1. I am of the nature to grow old, there is no way to escape growing old. 
2. I am of the nature to have ill-health, there is no way to escape having ill-health. 
3. I am of the nature to die, there is no way to escape death. 
4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change, there is no way to escape being separated from them. 
5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand. 

Practicing to stay in touch, and over time connect deeply, with these Five Remembrances can help to illuminate how vitally important it is to be fully present and alive in the here & now. When we understand how everything and everyone is dynamically impermanent; how our lives can change quickly; and how those we love can be taken away from us unexpectedly, it enables us to not take such things as the health & physical functioning we are afforded and the people we love for granted. When we keep these remembrances active in our life, it lights a fire of gratitude within us for everything we have and everyone we love. 

Share your appreciation with others. When you are thankful for something someone does, whether it’s a friend, your boss, a co-worker, a stranger, an organization or a business, let them know. Whether it’s delivered verbally in-person, written in an email, sent via text message or posted in the form of an online review, share your appreciation out loud. Another way this practice can show up is to share the appreciation for things & people you have with others. For example, when chatting with a good friend, tell them a few things you’ve been grateful for lately, or share with them something especially nice your husband recently did that you really appreciated. My logical brain doesn’t quite understand it, but my heart super knows: sharing our appreciations helps to amplify and multiply our gratitude. 

S E L F – B E F R I E N D I N G

Reflect on your good qualities. Brother Phap Hai, a teacher I cherish dearly and follow closely, encourages mindfulness practitioners to reflect on their good qualities. Which, if I’m remembering correctly, is a teaching the Buddha offered to his monastic disciples. While this may feel anywhere from uncomfortable to impossible, our difficulty in engaging with this reflection practice is precisely why it’s important that we do it. I think it’s worth expressly stating that reflecting on our good qualities is not the same thing as inflating our ego or being full of ourselves, nor does it have anything to do with fostering a superiority complex. The motivational energy fueling this practice centers around the desire to extend understanding & love to ourselves, and to see ourselves more fully and clearly, with the aim of developing self-awareness and generating good self-care. 

Speak with kindness & care to yourself. Many of us speak very harshly to ourselves. Our self-critic may be so well honed that we aren’t even fully aware of the extent to which it operates & dominates our life. So the first step might be to tune into how you talk to yourself on a regular basis, and pay attention to the words you use. If we discover that we’re routintely hard on ourselves, we can then start to make adjustments to our self-talk, using words that fit for us, in order to help bolster our well-being, verses tearing it down.

Allow your feelings to be as they are. So often, we try to kick the feelings we don’t like to the curb or rationalize them away, or we fight against them willing them to be different. Self-befriending centers around integrating all of the many different aspects of our self, not separating out certain parts.  Allowing our feelings to be as they are may not sound like much, but it’s a foundational element for supporting our well-being. It’s worth noting here that allowing and falling into are not the same thing. When it comes to handling difficult feelings, allowing involves noticing and giving space for things to exist as part of our human experience, whereas falling into involves feeling sorry for our self and being a victim. 

C O M F O R T  Z O N E  E X P A N S I O N 

Monitor your discomfort meter. Discomfort exists on a spectrum. We all have an inner discomfort meter that pings in different spots, ranging from mild to extreme, based on stimulai. The first step in being able to slowly start expanding our comfort zone involves gaining familiarity with what pings where for us on the meter. We need to get a sense for when discomfort is simply a natural human response to growth or learning in progress, or something new happening or changing, and when it’s a warning signal relaying important information that we need to heed and listen to. If we don’t know the difference, we can have the tendency to run from any & all forms of discomfort, which shrinks our comfort zone more & more as time goes on. 

Engage in small uncomfortable acts on purpose. This is a regular & active part of my practice, which I find extremely valuable. Finding small ways in which to dip into discomfort on purpose, allows me to take responsibility for slowly expanding my comfort zone. The bigger my zone of comfort is, the more able I am to remain open & grounded in varying circumstances & around a variety of people. In the personal growth department, widening our comfort zone is crucial. I want to emphasize the word small. Taking huge flying leaps outside of our comfort zone is not something I tend to support. I’m a superfan of starting & working small. Some examples: choose a chair to sit in for a short period of time that you would typically avoid; eat a meal with your non-dominant hand; ask a co-worker you don’t know well how their weekend was (unless this is something you would do anyway, then it doesn’t count). 

Don’t engage in a small acts you normally would. I had to think about this one for a bit, because in a way, if you take up the last practice exercise you’re often doing this one at the same time. For instance, if you choose to sit in a chair you tend to avoid, you are automatically not engaging in a small act you normally would, which is to sit in the chair that’s most comfortable for you. However, I do think there’s room for these two practice areas to be different, even if it’s simply motivationally based. For example, sometimes when I feel inspired to turn on music in my car, I specifically opt not to. And it’s not that it feels necessarily uncomfortable for me not to have music on, I simply would prefer to listen to it and I choose not to. 

Okay. So that was a lot to take in. Thanks for hanging in (if you did in fact hang in). I’m considering turning these Four Arenas of practice into a 5-week online practice group early next year, which would be free & open to participate in. If this would be something you’re interested in, please use my website contact form to reach out.