Working With Challenging People

(The text below is in audio form above; so you can read or listen or do both!)

I was recently emailing with a friend and we were in dialog about what to do when it comes to working with people we don’t get along with, especially when this happens in the context of our sangha (aka spiritual community). I loved having this topic emerge – it’s such a good one and, in my opinion, not delved into nearly enough. 

While I went into more specific detail with my reply in the email, I started off by responding with what Dharma teacher Rowan Conrad calls the “classic Zen answer,” which is: It depends. 

What do we do when it comes to working with challenging people? It depends. It really does. There is no one-size-fits-all answer that will suffice for all situations at all times for all people. I find it helpful to try to keep in mind the simple truth that there is no one right answer – because sometimes I think there is (or I really want there to be!). I also find it helpful to remind myself that a whole spectrum exists on which folks I don’t gel with are situated on. In other words, there are people I’m just not keen on; people who I’m fine with in short bursts but would not want to take a day trip with; people who push my buttons and it has nothing to do with them; people who just remind me of someone I don’t like and therefor I find unpleasant; people I find uncomfortable to be around; and people I am so activated by that my internal alarms throw up a real ruckus about. And perhaps the most perplexing to me on this spectrum are the people with whom I have loads in common with but for some reason we just don’t vibe well together. Sometimes, despite when it seems like I should be a good fit with someone, we just aren’t.  

Coming & Going in Freedom

Deer Park Monastery

Our time here at Deer Park Monastery is coming to a close. Mike and I are planning to set out on the open road, bound for the north country of our homeland in Montana, in a little over a week from today. On the day of our departure, we’ll have spent 5-months and 7-days here this time around. Or, when measured in poems I’ve written since arriving in October, we’ve been here for over 200 poems(!).

Since we sold our home of 18-years just before coming here, we’ll be living the van life when we leave here. And as we are acutely aware that we will be returning to a very different kind of climate and season-scape, we’ve been doing some van prep to ready ourselves for weathering the cold. 

We’ll resume our search for land when we get home. And now with our house sold, we’re ready to rock-n-roll on the buying front, whereas before our purchase of land was contingent on the house sale. Our long-held vision of starting a small and rustic mindfulness practice center, which we have named Empty Mountain, is in slow and flowing motion. Here’s hoping we find land we can afford and that will meet some of our criteria. The Great Unknown awaits, which is both thrilling and terrifying. 

To check out our aspiring center’s website and/or follow our Empty Mountain blog, click here:  https://www.emptymountain.org/

Mike and I have been coming here to Deer Park annually since 2014, for varying lengths of time. And one of the things I so appreciate when leaving here is knowing that this place, too, is home. We can, and most likely will, return soon. When we arrive here each year, I feel so ready to be here and take refuge in this lovely practice place. And when we leave, I feel so ready to return back to our mountains of Montana; to my home sangha Be Here Now; to my beloved community of cherished friends.

Nourishing Things

I pledge allegiance to 
Mary Oliver and Ani Difranco. 
To my teacher Thich Nhat Hanh. 

I declare myself a committed
citizen to the constitution of 
kindness. 

And when I fall to my knees, 
weary or weighted, 
from all of what it means
to be human in this wide, 
beautiful and aching world, 
may I, while I’m down there, 
know how to fill myself
with humble prayer
for the reverent joy it 
takes to get back up. 

This is me feeling inspired to share a few of the nourishing things in my current & daily life:

1. Mary Oliver’s poetry (I am reading Dream Work right now)
2. The instrumental music of Garth Stevenson
3. A small bunch of jasmine flowers (see pic above)
4. A 4-week online practice group called Watering Good Seeds that I am leading and participating in with 14 others
5. The love I receive from my friends
6. The process of recently being gifted and then finishing this puzzle:

When Only Poetry Will Suffice

Once in a while
we need to be 
reminded of 
poetry. 

Poetry of words.
Of art & music. 
Poetry of movement.
Of nature & of people. 

We need to be 
reminded of the 
greater yes that 
props up every
earth-woven thing. 

Never mind that it’s
good practice to 
remember what the
heck it is we’re 
doing here. 

When the world
turns cold & 
distant, 
it’s poetry that will 
keep us good 
company to warm
& reunite us.

To be alive and
human means 
to be forever
filling and
emptying.

Each of us
is our own
clay pot, 
sitting out
open side up
to the elements. 

Collectors of
sun & rain, 
moonlight &
darkness.

Cracking with
age, from so
many cycles
of expansion &
contraction. 

Weathered back
into the earth
when it’s time.