Come and settle beside me.
Though, truth be told, I don’t enjoy your company.
I wish you weren’t here, sticking around,
a reminder of old habit energies I long to not be haunted by.
I wish I could move on from being held in your presence.
I mean, part of me feels strongly about there being more pressing matters to tend to,
verses babysitting your tendencies, holding your hand.
Still, I’m trying.
I’m trying not to resent and regret the sight of you.
Trying not to get lost in feelings of shame.
And, goodness knows, it’s not easy.
This above snippet of verse is something I penned in my journal early this morning. I had set my alarm for 4:00am but awoke naturally at 3:00am. After a few minutes of attempting to get back to sleep, I decided it wasn’t happening and just got up.
I’ve been processing some internal static. Trying my best to befriend it, instead of what I want to do, which is to dropkick it far away, so that it lands somewhere out of sight and out of mind. Old habit energies, old patterns of thought and behavior have been sifting into my mind and heartscape as of late. It’s terribly uncomfortable. Though, I’m appreciating that it’s further teaching me the ways of humility: Ben Franklin’s 13th virtue.
Franklin’s list above, that he fashioned in 1726 when we has 20-years-old, is quite remarkable, considering his age.