In the Third Mindfulness Training on True Love, the words sexual misconduct are used. When it comes to working with our sexual energy and/or considering alternate ways to date and be sexually active without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends, it’s important to unpack what sexual misconduct means. From my point of view, while the training warns against us engaging in sexual relations without being in a mutually committed and love-filled relationship, I think there are ways that it can be done – though I also think it’s far more likely that more harm than good will be done, as most people aren’t on the same page when they enter into a sexual relationship and much flies under the radar and goes unspoken.
On dictionary.com, misconduct is defined as: improper conduct; wrong behavior. Well that doesn’t help very much does it? As soon as I read that definition, I thought: Improper by whose standards? and Wrong by whose moral compass? These are very relative and subjective words. When I looked up the word improper, I scrolled down the page and found this sentence:
Improper has a wide range (of synonyms), being applied to whatever is not suitable or fitting, and often specifically to what does not conform to the standards of conventional morality.
So, let’s say we define misconduct as an act which does not conform to the standards of conventional morality. It’s a little more to go off of but I’m thinking this still doesn’t help us very much.
Perhaps it would behoove us to simply come up with our own individual working definition of what misconduct means instead. I think this could be a good place to start for those of us who are interested in delving into this subject more in our own daily lives, as mindfulness practitioners. I think the chances are good that we’ve all had experiences that have shown us what doesn’t work for us on our end. If we were to put some intentional time into coming up with a list of actions that we ourselves consider to be sexual misconduct, it might start angling us in the direction of thinking, speaking, and acting with more awareness and skillfulness, as we’ve moved a critical component of working with sexual energy from the subconscious to the conscious mind. Recognition is always the first – and in my opinion the most important – step in transformation.
As a married woman, I might define sexual misconduct as any act that I feel the need to either hide, keep secret, or lie about to my husband. If I were single, perhaps I would define sexual misconduct as any act motivated by desire-filled impulsivity or a heightened sense of grasping. And if I were someone who was both single and drank alcohol, I would further include that any sexual act fueled by alcohol constituted as sexual misconduct as well.
I see the wisdom of enfolding the energy of True Love into the realm of working with sexual energy. If we solely used the guidepost of True Love to dictate our usage of sexual energy and actions in regards to having sex, we would save ourselves and others from a lot of heartache and hardship. But in being acquainted with a lot of folks on the single-scene and seeing how difficult it is to find True Love, I do think it’s worth investigating other ways to work with this Mindfulness Training that might be more fitting to one’s current reality. I think it’s important that we not get stuck in extremes when it comes to anything.
If we’re single and having a hard time meeting someone we feel compatible with and we’re also experiencing the effects of our sex drives amping up – or we’re in a committed relationship and our partner’s sex drive is currently in low-gear and ours is on high, which is a thing that happens – how do we practice learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy, as the Third Mindfulness training says?
Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others.